Why does it hurt so much to lose?
August 8, 2022
How to Let Go of Painful Regrets and Embrace a Brighter Future
January 22, 2025
Regret is but the beclouding of the mind, not its chastisement
On Pleasure
Kahlil Gibran (poets.org) 1883 –1931
Contents
If Only I …
“I should have …” “I should never have …” “If only I had just …” “Why did I …”
No matter how stuck you feel, it is possible to let go of regret. Regret is repetitive and relentless. It robs us of inner peace, dragging us into the past to fixate on the moments we wish we could undo. For years, my first thought every morning was “If only I…” reflecting my desperation to be free of the past.
The pain persists long after the event that triggered it, obscuring the pleasures and opportunities of the present. You are pulled back in time, where an inner voice mocks, You should have known …. How could you have been such an … What an idiot … fool! … You could have at least been nice …. Or even done some good.
Like moths around a lightbulb—delicate bodies in flight toward a light they will never reach.
You Can Let Go of Regret
But here’s the truth: regret is not a wall or a floor, it has no form or substance. It’s not a thing, it’s a feeling, and that means it can be released.
It’s so easy to see the flimsiness and senselessness of regret in others. Yet the stories we tell ourselves feel like indisputable facts: we absolutely should have or should not have done whatever we did (and we should have known better).
The benefits of letting go of regret are clear and the Sedona Method is a simple, powerful technique for achieving just that. Any time you invest in learning and practicing this technique will be rewarded many times over.
It’s a great tool for letting go of the past and releasing the stuckness that goes with it—more on this below.
Dissecting ‘If Only’ and ‘What If’
Before we dive into the Sedona Method, it’s worth considering the exact nature of the experience we call regret, diving into what it is and how it causes such emotional pain.
Step 1: You Are Reminded of What You Could Have Had
How about Bitcoin? You are sitting in a train and idly scrolling news feeds on your phone and then it bites like a snake: “Bitcoin surges to all-time high’. You sold at $5,000. You had tons of them. If you had held on, you would never have had to work again. When I saw that headline, I felt sick, my belly tightened, and my heart sank. I felt stupid, useless and terrified of the future.
Your trigger might be a reminder of the heartbreaking end of a relationship. It could be a memory of a financial decision that had disastrous consequences, or even missing out on a great party. It’s anything that takes you back to a moment when you did something … that you now wish you hadn’t.
Step 2: Your Mind Becomes a Cinema
Images appear in your mind of the people who do have the thing you missed out on. They are enjoying it, while you miss out. You see yourself with the thing you lack and it hurts. You feel dejected and lacking. You see yourself in the moment when you made the fateful decision and replay it over and over.
More pictures appear, the past and the present merge, I am so stupid — how could I not have known? Your body contracts as it braces against the images and ideas your mind is producing. Now, the pain of lacking the thing you could have had is amplified by concepts like self-betrayal and self-denigration, and a suspicion that there is something wrong with you; maybe you will always make terrible decisions, maybe this is it.
In the face of this onslaught of pain, you might attempt to downplay the loss with thoughts like there are lots of miserable rich people or this is a sign that I am special, maybe especially resilient, maybe it will be the making of me.
But this is like holding a balloon under water and this strategy — a sort of gaslighting yourself — only adds to your suffering.
In my example above, holding the balloon under water sounds something like this, I hate f’ing Crypto! It’s all rigged anyway. It’s for criminals! Disgusting! Glad I am not involved! While hoping those smug investors will lose their shirts.
Step 3: Plan for Change!
And then the icing on the cake is the demand for future change. You will tell yourself that you must do better next time so that you don’t have to suffer like this again. You get to work on plans to improve yourself and transform your decision-making capabilities. Good luck.
When I saw that headline, I felt sick, my stomach tightened, and my heart sank. I felt stupid, useless and terrified of the future.
Regret is not a thing
No matter how intense the feeling, I should (never) have … in this moment, it is a collection of images, sensations and sounds. There is no thing, no great mountain of regret, not even a worm cast.
In case regret is feeling stale (not at all a bad thing), here are the synonyms that might help you explore this peculiar, only-too-human experience.
Souce: https://www.thesaurus.com
Not a comfortable read, but perhaps secretly seductive. Why else do we love to belt out Edith Piaf – Non, je ne regrette rien (Officiel) [Live Version] — a song which inevitably brings all our regrets to mind? Maybe it connects us with this universal feeling and our innate ability to forget, integrate and move on.
However we look at it, I should (never) have… is still only a concept, a memory. It’s not a thing with form or weight.
This matters because while facts may be facts and what you did or didn’t do still has an impact on your life, feelings can be released.
Release Regret to Free Yourself from the Past
But how can you do that?
(I read a few articles which advised me to forgive myself, repeat positive affirmations, focus on something else, accept my feelings, accept that what’s done is done and so on. But these techniques didn’t help as I found myself thinking about thinking and regretting that I couldn’t stop thinking about regret, which is also a thought).
The Sedona Method
Using the Sedona Method is faster and easier than these approaches. The first step is to welcome regret.
Am I kidding? No.
You don’t have to do it all in one go and It’s surprisingly relaxing. If welcoming is too much, and leaves you feeling like you’re trying to manipulate yourself, substitute it for allowing (hint: it’s here anyway).
The next step is to release wanting to get rid of and wanting to keep it, to hold on tight. This often reveals a few surprises and sometimes a smile or a giggle.
Deeper Understanding
My version of this practice is called Sedona Method Plus because I blend it with other teachings and techniques. Polyvagal Theory helps to understand what is happening in the social realm and nervous system. Rapid Resolution Therapy helps to undo the belief that we can change the past.
